Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Canucks Forfeight Tonight's Game

In an unprecedented move, the Vancouver Canucks have forfeited their game tonight against the Colorado Avalanche. Although citing a multitude of reasons, GM Dave Nonis did point the finger squarely at head coach Alain Vigneault.

"I did nothing at the deadline expecting that Vigneault would ride the Sedins and Luongo into the playoffs and what happens? He splits up the Sedins and lets Luongo run off to take care of his family. It's inexcusable and I've had enough."

But Vigneault was quick to respond to the allegations.

"At the trade deadline I told Mr. No-moves - I mean Nonis - that we needed scoring help. Primary and secondary. Hell, tertiary scoring would have been great. Instead he said his book - NHL GMs for Dummies - told him to build a team around a goaltender. I guess the part about needing goal support is in Chapter 2 and he hasn't got there yet."

So does this mean the Canucks are out of the playoff race? "Absolutely" said longtime captain Markus Naslund. "I think it's apparent from my intensity level that I could really give a shit about this team."

And as for all the Vancouver fans who have patiently waited for this team to win a cup while still maintaining an air of superiority?

"We don't do this for the fans." said Brendan Morrison. "I made over $3 million working for less than half a year. Screw the ticket payers, I'm rich, bitch."